enjoying solitary pursuits with the phone tucked safely in the drawer for the past three hours and feeling productive after rushing out an assignment. Perhaps having little sleep is what is needed for concentration. 

my posts are so boringly non-reflective meh.

Tiny 1-minute reminder: Been a little too busy and absorbed in tasks that i forgot to give and provide for others. people have been helping me the past week, it's time to give back. Get up on your feet, settle your own problems and notice others' needs.

Dances with wolves

so addicted to this piece, i'm really glad to be part of this. here is where my priorities lie, and it really shouldn't matter if i'm good enough. as long as i don't drag the section down and continue to improve at my own pace, all is fine. all is fine if it's something you love and you're willing to choose it over the rest.

stop keeping to yourself and putting yourself down.
Why do people feel the need to express themselves.
I am thinking about pointless stuff.

Two conversations,

One:

"I think I've even learnt to love myself now"
"How do you know you love yourself?"
"you know what you're good at and feel like you're surrounded by people who care about you"

what does it feel like to love yourself? i realised i've never thought of the question, and i guess i've never known. One day, perhaps.

-

Two (which was more like a talk-response thing rather than a balanced conversation):

- Progression is the path to freedom and humanity
- with chaos comes creativity
- it's a process of tension/resolution that ideally leads to a stage of perfection, of freedom
- to rebel for freedom, is to rebel without an idea in mind - only then will that be complete freedom
- Socrates - true knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing. the point is to critique every single thing you're learning.
- the importance of self critique
- and it always ends with, "what is philosophy?". Not of just the logical and rational, but the study of humanity.

-

Feel so glad to be in a place surrounded by people willing to learn. I don't exactly know what saying "knowledge makes me so happy" means, but that is simply it. It is about finding your place; constantly critiquing others' works to know what you believe in. Meanwhile, I'll try to be more well-read myself and contribute to conversations. I don't want to be taking from others all the time, being good at listening is not enough.

You know why we don't understand? Because we're jaded individuals within a system. Because we can't find reasons to rise above the sway of things. Because we feel trapped but we don't have the energy to do something about it. Because we might not be as fortunate to be able to step out of this place.

Yes, we should step out of the system and know what the hell we're doing with our goddamn life. Tell us about the need to be aware of what we're doing with life when we have a break. We're sometimes too tired to be excellent, but exhaustion is temporary. Most of us will come to understand at some point. It's impossible to attempt to make someone understand, it's good enough to make them aware, they'll come to a realisation when the situation demands for it.

Radiohead - Morning Bell (Amnesiac version)

(I prefer this version)


Radiohead - Morning Bell (Kid A version)

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Thom Yorke - Last Flowers (Live from the basement)

Lost count of the number of times i've posted this, but this one's calm creepy sublime beautiful all rolled into one. It was used in the film Kokuhaku (which I should download and watch again soon).

Ólafur Arnalds - Only the Winds

:)

It seems like everyone is afraid and tired of emotion; like it's an unspoken rule to not speak of them. Then where do they leak to? They end up in cloudy black jars. Someone shines the strobe light on the jars, catching flashes of the murky waters, and leaves them alone to settle.

Waking up to a room of darkness does something to you.

---

I am guilty for being upset, for I feel too much and too easily. Things are kept in a Pandora's box, it'd be sorry if anybody opened it. It's been months yet i can't seem to solve the root of the problem; emotions still simmering beneath a surface. Muted.

The world is moving on, and so should you, and you think you are. The words hurt you so - it is telling when you can still remember every single one of it, and they shape the way you think.

Then stand up for yourself, move on. Why let yourself be affected when you know you're not being treated fairly?

--

Because you're unsure. Unsure if it's true that you make people want to mistreat you, because you do not know if you are good enough to be cared for. You do not know how to be well liked, even by the very few whom you care for. Efforts don't count, effects do.

The worst part is that you also ignore the ones whom you find tiring to be with - it makes a complete loop and there is no way out. It simply feels like reality that people do not deserve to be loved if they do not know how to be.

Signs - stiffening of the shoulders, allowing myself to get the precious ones in the stash, two corners that won't turn up.

Nonetheless, plough through the week, there is no time for anything other than productivity.


Death Cab for Cutie -  A lack of colour

there are those times where you scream 'i love this band so much!', and a fellow fan excited exclaims in return, 'ahh finally! do you know ____ song, it's so good right!', and you realize you don't know it. Then comes the moment of disappointment. It doesn't really help that such standards are assumed and not said explicitly.

It's almost like a must to know (not necessarily love) the band's entire discography before calling yourself a fan. I mean, of course they wouldn't deny your positive feelings for them, they just won't think you love them enough (or as much as they do). It seems as though those positive feelings have to be enough in order to be called love. 

To accept that is kind of like saying, you have to know the essence of a person (up to this point) before you can say you really love them. [We assume that the essence of a singer = her songs. Essence being the qualities of a person/object that can't be lost, or else s/he/it will cease to be the person/object]. 

It makes sense theoretically and idealistically, but in actual fact, most of us don't even know or can't figure out the essence of the person we love even after death. It doesn't make sense to say 'if that's the case, we haven't really loved anyone after all'.

Thus to make things simpler, enough, or anything that brings about comparison should just be taken out of the equation. Simply, we are entitled to love, since we are unable to define what the essence is. (like how the assumption that essence of a singer = her songs could be wrong).

-

Yeah right, I don't believe in having no standards. I have standards of love that I'm continually trying to define, and am unable to take 'there isn't really an answer' for an answer. Because I'm afraid of getting hurt, what else.

-

Moral of the story is, as of now, I think it shouldn't be a requirement to know the band's discography to love them.. i've digressed.

'I'm not talented, so the least I could do is to be good at appreciating what I love'. And really, that's enough.

Why are you still talking to someone who no longer cares?

Liszt - Un Sospiro (from 3 concert etudes)


Debussy - Reverie

Music is the only distraction and inspiration. Today's practice was thoroughly enlightening and energy-lifting, simply because of the presence of someone inspiring. Greatest lesson: don't keep drilling and hope things will turn out ok. Be flexible and try new methods. Change things all around and keep thinking. Keep thinking. Also remember: Humility, and listen to suggestions attentively.

I improved a little (just a little) bit on the flute today, next week's drilling time, baby. (this one requires drilling, and of course some tips). I must also find time to get back to the piano and try to be more emotive/have a lighter touch. For stressed late nights.

Will work on talking to people after this week! Apologies for my general unresponsiveness towards everyone.

Are we supposed to keep our grievances to ourselves? It does not sound ideal. But there are no ideals, people are separate beings. We are born alone and we die alone, that is that. It is the natural state of things, keep telling yourself that it is nothing to be upset about.

a dull ache aching. i hate it when people always think i'm enthusiastic and bubbly and am ok. They always assume

sorry i've been uncaring and unresponsive lately.

sort yourself out.



Joshua Bell - Estrellita


Aya Nagatomi playing Beethoven's Pathetique mvt 1
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Antonio Vivaldi - Sinfonia "Al Santo Sepolcro" RV169

When in doubt, listen to depressing classical pieces.